Vulnerable

Vulnerable

       This afternoon I drove north on 55 at rush hour on my way to draw at HCMC… I looked for the Tent Encampement and then there it was. So visible and invisible. So much need so apparent. And so much vulnerability. I could not stop to draw for I was on my way to the hospital.

       Parking was easy to find in the late afternoon and I hesitated in my car. No one was expecting me, but I made my way. In the coffee shop a large woman spotted me and asked about the support hose I was wearing and we chatted. She did not want to be drawn.

     Drawing is connecting and it can be vulnerable too. I kept walking and found my way to a nurses’s station on the 4^th floor.

There I drew and visited with a nurse in the Surgical Trauma unit.  I tried to do my best.

    Then I sat in a chair and drew the long hallway of Cares as people passed by, as someone was guided on a gurney far down the hall. The empty and the full hall… and the vulnerable patients in their rooms struggling with pain.

    On the way home I drove closer to the encampment. There are amenities and there are needs and there is my friends articulate letter to the editor this morning

   I drew the best I could and then left to come home. Here I sit with my husband and his vulnerable health.. and my own vulnerabilities come sharply into focus as well as I struggle to sell my art and make ends meet.

Checking Blood Pressure in Internal Medicine

Sometime in April      Wallace’s Appointment in Internal Medicine

            I entered through the narrow door. The one that leads to drawing and wonder.

I drew Wallace’s physical check in yesterday for blood pressure. There was some concern about his high blood pressure. My Concern is that he has been so subdued and withdrawn. Medicated.

Friendly caring doctor. I drew her, the documenter, and the nurse in turquoise. I paid attention.

            The day opened around me like a flower. A beautiful flower, luminous.

I got the exact permissions signed.

We left. I felt like speaking to everyone we met and I did.

We crossed the luminous skyway upheld and embraced by light.

             We went to eat lunch and met caring my brothers former doctor whose embrace and kindness to Wallace moved me deeply. Then we ate. I thought I saw Jean from PT but didn’t find her even when I ran after her. What I did find later was a memory of a print that might be sold and that would bring money to me.

Then I saw Kris and Sheila.

Saw my supervisor. I love her emotionalism and stories. 

She helped me with schedule advocacy/ email/invoice clarity. So Great! So much help.

Then I took Wallace home.

Then cleaned for 10 minutes.

Back to HCMC with Josh for his acupuncture appointment.

I drew deeper and looked closer.

Saw the Actual Needles.

Drew deeper. Borrowed charts. 

Felt the subtle energy all around me.

Here I Stand

  I spent yesterday drawing all afternoon in ER as part of my ongoing project to Draw a Day in the Life of Hennepin Healthcare.

I drew many of the providers and hinted at the patients various and varied dillemas. 

Drawing in ER at 3 am

I recalled those frenzied moments of Drawing in ER at 3 am

But it was quiet for me yesterday. Calm

All the providers said it was a Crazy day but I found it fairly quiet because I was not looking after a beloved in Crisis.

I drew Team A as they worked.

I drew Team B in a Shift Change

I drew Team C in Pre Rounds.

and I drew the Blanket Warmer.

I heard the groans and familiar cries...yet knew that as Unexpected as ER is these people in need had landed in a good place and would be cared for...and perhaps that is what they were seeking after all.

Care and Comfort through Crisis.

There were hidden places there I could not access... and wanted to draw in  The Stabilization Room where those who have been in a car accident or shot or stabbed go.

I saw its bright lights briefly as the doors opened.

But I could not draw there...

So I drew mostly providers, hinted at patients because of privacy and even drew the Blanket Warmer which has comforted me countless times.

*****

I drew individual doctors and nurses. Their faces shining in the light of duty.

and then I left ER. 

I walked through those familiar swinging doors. 

And there was Carson in the coffee shop just like exactly a year ago. I had a latte and a lemon poppyseed muffin just like that afternoon a year ago when I took a break from Josh in his hospital room  and sat outside with my hard won treats...and then Frank the accountant stopped and we chatted and he gave me the name of Sheila the administrator and I called her and saw her the next morning and my life changed. (Frank no longer works there.

I imagine he was an angel in the disguise of being an accountant)

So there I stood yesterday with my official badge ordering a coffee again after being paid to draw.

And I wept.

Through the Philosophers Door into the Labyrinth of ER

Through the Philosophers Door into the Labyrinth of ER

The afternoon starts out benignly enough.

I move through the bureaucratic gears of getting approved for my badge

so I can draw here at the hospital.

I have my mantox checked for a second time and

go to Security to check on my badge.

I am getting to know the folks there really well.

 The afternoon seems benign and quiet.

It is March.

It is still winter.

The physical potholes in the street are hard to avoid...

and perhaps so are the philosophical ones....

I find Josh in the doctors office where we agreed to meet.

Struggling with familiar foot pain.

The benign afternoon is eclipsed by the urgency 

to go to ER.

We sigh.

This is very familiar.

We walk through the basement labyrinth. Right past

places I have just been.

Up through down and over.

Once again I find myself in the familiar Lowly Place.
The place of drawing in an out of the way place
Like an Exam Room in the Emergency Room.
Bearing witness, paying attention...comforting as best I can...
and Drawing in the Moment.

We have two possible doors to enter.

The Philosophers Door beckons.

As we enter we pass through the Valley of Cares 

with Compassion.

A weeping family says good bye to an injured man

on a stretcher who is wheeled away.

They collapse into themselves.

We have our story and they have theirs. 

still....I remain curious and compassionate about

what happened? 

who are they?

did he make it?

did they?

In the familiar ER room Josh gets his gown.

 Once again with weariness...we tell our story.

We wait.

and wait some more.

Then out of nowhere a young lady appears with a survey.

Josh answers questions until interrupted by a doctors visit.

 I watch his heart rate numbers jump around and around 

and up and down.

It is crazy making.

yet...as we wait amid the quiet and the noise

the Divine Hand reaches for us..

as we reach for it...

we craft some kind of solace as best we can

ER is always noisy.

beep beep...moan...cries...phone conversations..beep beep

beep beep...moan...moan from another room..

I run to get food and get to the cafeteria with

30 seconds to spare.

We wait.......a doctor comes in...

I take a break and walk around the ER unit...past people

who are alone..past those having a party in their room with 

visitors crowding out into the hallway...

I circle round and round

 Josh is admitted because of his chronic heart issues.

We part.

A nice red haired security guy brings me to my car.

He watches as I navigate the ice and potholes.

It is still winter.

I come home to a quiet house and the comfort of my cats.

 In the morning Josh calls and I bring him home....

not much is resolved...

"This experience was that I went in with my same pain

I came home with..."

I sigh and remember other times....

As I go to paint an actual pearl falls out of my

iridescent paint bottle. I seize upon this symbolism

wishing for pearls of insight that will form

from all of this struggle and uncertainty.

.....and.....

The Philosophical Questions remain...

How much more time??

I hold onto the hands of the clock as its hands reach for mine.

What next?

How much more time?

What next?

The Lowly place remains... I continue drawing where I am.
The end ....for now.